MILITARY ADVICE

"Aim towards the Enemy." -- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." -- US Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." -- USAF Ammunition Troop

NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED: BUSHCRONIUM

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Bushcronium.

MLB SPONSORS NEEDED

Since September 11, 2001, Americans have come together as never before in our generation. We have banded together to overcome tremendous adversity. We have weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, fires, and a myriad of economic and physical disasters both great and small.

STOCK MARKET LINGO

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

JOCKS VS NERDS

An answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?"

Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game. Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!