You Know You're Drinking too Much Coffee When...

Image via WikipediaYou know you're drinking too much coffee when...
you answer the door before people knock.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
you ski uphill.
you grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
you haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
you lick your coffeepot clean.
your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
you chew on other people's fingernails.
your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
you can type 60 words per minute ... with your feet.
you can jump-start your car without cables.
all your kids are named "Joe."

Different Breads for Different Sins

Image via Wikipedia
On the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah, there is a ceremony called Tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the ocean or a stream or river to pray and throw bread crumbs into the water. Symbolically, the fish devour their sins. Occasionally, people ask what kind of breadcrumbs should be thrown. Here are suggestions for breads which may be most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors:

For ordinary sins...................White Bread
For erotic sins.....................French bread
For particularly dark sins..........Pumpernickel
For complex sins....................Multigrain
For twisted sins....................Pretzels
For tasteless sins..................Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision..............Waffles

Dear Dr. Laura

Image via WikipediaOn her radio show recently, Dr Laura Schlesinger  said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination  according to Leviticus 18:22, and  cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to  Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank  you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a  great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I  simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination.  ...End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding  some other elements of God's Law  and how to follow them.

You Know It's Time to Go Home When...

Image via Wikipedia1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.

Coke Contents

Image via Wikipedia1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.
3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl ...Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.
4. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
5. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
6. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away corrosion.
7. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into aload of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains.
9. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
10. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.